The hypothetical horror sodas we can’t wait to try!
Last year Fanta unveiled an assortment of Halloween-time tie-in sodas — and they did not disappoint. Not only did the line-up include new school icons like The Grabber and Freddy Fazbear, but old-school classics such as Michael Myers and Chucky. Sure, you might argue that it’s just packaging aesthetics on the same-old products, but just think of the awesome absurdity of the situation. If you would’ve told me 20 years ago that one day I’d be able to waltz into a grocery store and pick up artificially-flavored pineapple sodas with The Shape’s ghastly visage embossed on the can, I’d think you were cuckoo.
But the cat is out of the bag, so to speak. And since this most recent line has been so successful, you kind of have to figure that other beverage manufacturers out there are probably going to try their hands at producing their own horror icon mash-up sodas. Well, I’m way ahead of the game. Not only do I have ten potential cross-promotional licenses that would be bang-up choices for novelty sodas listed below, I’ve gone the extra step and even laid out what flavor said horror-pops should taste like.
Just remember that when you’re taking a sip of that Blood Orange Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer soda about three or four Halloweens from now, I dreamed up the concept first.
Jason Voorhees — Raspberry and Blueberry Bifurcation!
Franchise: Friday the 13th
Why This Flavor? Well, considering the colossal amount of bloodshed in the F13 franchise, I guess the aesthetic significance of the raspberry flavor isn’t lost on anybody. But the added blueberry not only calls to mind the “Jersey Fresh” crops prevalent in Mr. Voorhees’ home state, but harkens back to Jason’s neon blue costume from the notorious Nintendo Entertainment System game from back in the day. This stuff tastes like a relaxing evening at summer camp … right before some guy in a hockey mask tears your esophagus out for having premarital sex and talking back to grown-ups.
Freddy Krueger — Strawberry and Kiwi Nightmare!
Franchise: A Nightmare on Elm Street
Why This Flavor? A bit self-explanatory here. As we all know, Fred’s trademark color scheme is red and green — purportedly picked by Wes Craven because of the sharp contrast on viewers’ eyes — and what do you know, strawberry and kiwi are to correspondingly-hued flavors that also clash wildly on one’s taste buds. One, two, Freddy’s coming for refreshment! (Alternate advertising pitch suggestion: Welcome to lime time, b@#&!)
Leatherface — Red Grapefruit Slaughter!
Franchise: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Why This Flavor? Human brisket is obviously out of the running as a flavor, and you might think that I’m going with grapefruit because it has that ocher quality that’s quite consistent with what you’d see out of the puréed remains of a power-tool-assisted cannibal murder. But the real reason? Because grapefruit is the official fruit of Texas, and Leatherface loves to be a community representative.
Dr. Herbert West — I Gave Him LIME!
Franchise: Re-Animator
Why This Flavor? Obviously we’re going to have to go with something that’s almost iridescent green for the soda itself — you know, to replicate Herbie’s necromancy elixir go-go juice and all. And when I think “green fruits” and “zombie intestinal attack,” lime becomes the only flavor that really makes any sense. Like, it makes so much sense, I’m not even going to explain to you why it makes so much sense. It’s that obvious.
Victor Crowley — Pomegranate Punishment!
Franchise: Hatchet
Why This Flavor? It’s a bit difficult drudging up a single flavor that automatically feels on brand for the Hatchet franchise. Which I guess is an inevitability in a series about a mutant serial killer who rips old ladies’ jaws off for fun. Considering all of the over-the-top kills throughout the movies, I figured we’d go with a super-acidic fruit that does a number on your taste buds and your stomach — good old pomengranate. But I guess heartburn is one of the lesser things you have to worry about when Vic is coming at you with a belt sander in hand, though …
Angela Baker — Orange-Vanilla Plot Twist!
Franchise: Sleepaway Camp
Why This Flavor? If you’ve never seen Sleepaway Camp before, you’re missing out on one of the greatest — and most problematic — twist endings in the history of horror movies. As a backhanded ode to that iconic celluloid moment, why not offer the masses a taste-mixing mishmash of orange and vanilla that tastes remarkably similar to a liquified Creamsicle bar to celebrate/condemn everything the Angela Baker character represents? Meet me at the waterfront after the social — for flavor!
Frank Zito — Sour Apple in the Big Apple!
Franchise: Maniac
Why This Flavor? Joe Spinell’s performance in Bill Lustig’s infamous slasher is a first-ballot degenerate cinema hall of fame candidate if I’ve ever seen one. And since the film takes place in New York — back when Times Square was still the worldwide leader in per capita sleaze and scum — why not pay tribute with a sour apple soda that’s so tart, you’ll feel like Tom Savini’s exploding head! One sip and your thirst will be murdered … preferably, by an inexplicably sentient mannequin with a dead hooker’s scalp stapled to its head!
Art The Clown — Mango Massacre!
Franchise: Terrifier
Why This Flavor? Admittedly, it’s not the easiest thing in the world to equate a supernaturally-powered, serial killer clown with a specific fruit flavor. I just as easily could have gone with lychee or dragonfruit, but there’s just something about Art that makes me instantly think “mango” — probably because he would like to squeeze the acidic juice in a fresh head wound or something. Hey, you have to try something new in Terrifier 4, don’t you?
Pinhead — Gingerale-Raiser!
Franchise: Hellraiser
Why This Flavor? Sure, the overlord of the Cenobites has done a lot of killing, maiming and mutilating over the years. But unlike most slasher icons — who are either totally silent or prone to foul-mouthed antics — Pinhead has always carried himself with a certain air of sophistication and elitism. And let’s face it, ginger ales are pretty much the preferred sodas of snobs anyway; so not only is it a perfect fit thematically, it’s a perfect fit consumer-wise.
The Blob — Bubblegum Pink Singularity!
Franchise: The Blob
Why This Flavor? OK, so calling the eponymous Blob a “slasher” character is a bit of a stretch. But hey, that sentient pile of goo still managed to kill off a ton of teenagers in both the original film from the ‘50s and its Cold War-tinged ‘80s remake, so it kinda sorta counts. You take one look at the monster — with its purplish-pink cotton candy sheen — and you know that its corresponding soft drink can taste like one thing, and one thing only: bubble gum. Also, how about the wonderful irony of people consuming the Blob for a change?
